


If Robots Rode Star Ships

by SEpupppupp (ForNought)



Category: Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Robots, Unreliable Narrator, i have never written crackfic before, takes place around the s1 position evaluations, ultimate girlcrush hwang sooyeon is in this too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 04:11:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11005689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForNought/pseuds/SEpupppupp
Summary: There was something strange about Park Siyeon, there was no doubt about that. When Hallyu star XIA's beautiful and talented cousin Kim Taeha discovers that all isn't right, she makes it her job to warn people... Or at least complain about her to them.





	If Robots Rode Star Ships

Park Siyeon was pretty, popular, and talented. There were lots and girls just like her, but there was something that was not quite right. The truth would come out about Park Siyeon - if that even was her real name!

It turned out that ‘Siyeon’ was not her real name, or it wasn't the name she was born with, as was discovered by asking the right girls the right questions. It wasn't at all like that for Kim Taeha, cousin of JYJ’s Junsu! (or Kim Taeha COJYJJ for short). She was an honest person who let everyone know exactly who she was!

XIA’s cousin was the main vocal! She was the star!

 

“I can’t believe that monster followed me again!” Junsu’s cousin exclaimed as she collapsed dramatically onto Shim Chaeeun’s bed. Chaeeun, clad in fuzzy pink pyjamas cleared her throat awkwardly before perching on the edge of the bed. Once she was seated and could cause no more distractions from Taeha’s problems it was time to lament a bit more. “She is trying to make a fool of me.”

“Who are you talking about?” Chaeeun asked as though any exposition was necessary.

“That Pledis brat Park Siyeon!” Taeha, very close relation to Hallyu star Junsu growled.

“Oh, she is pretty,” Chaeeun said blandly.

“What did you say?” Taeha screeched as she shot up from Chaeeun’s bed. Chaeeun hesitated. She folded her legs underneath herself and mumbled, “I didn't say anything.”

“That's what I thought.” Taeha pouted. Her cousin wouldn't do this to her, praising her nemesis so plainly. Unfortunately Taeha had to make do with Chaeeun. Yeonjung was the only plausible alternative but she was just as bad as Siyeon herself. Taeha sighed and her shoulders slumped like she was an idol on their poorly thought out acting debut. “Will you listen to me, Chaeeun?”

“I don't really have a say in this, do I, Unnie?”

“You don't,” Taeha confirmed. Chaeeun resigned herself to the fact and pulled the covers over the both of them.

“She tried to steal my main vocal position again,” Taeha said sadly.

“That is really sad,” Chaeeun said with all the sensitivity of a Super Junior member. “Some of us were forced to rap, you know.”

Taeha didn't know what to make of that until Chaeeun continued.

“I am a vocalist but I had to take a rap position. I am worried that i might not do well.”

“Honestly, Chaeeun, not everything is about you.”

Chaeeun shot Taeha a bemused expression before she rolled her eyes. “My mistake. Please, Unnie, continue to regale me with stories of your suffering.”

“Thank you,” Taeha said, magnanimously making no further comment on Chaeeun’s egotism. “I can't believe that a rapper humiliating me during the group battle wasn't enough for her. Now she is trying to steal this from me too. Luckily Haein-unnie wouldn't let her, but Siyeon showed how undeserving she was when she went off to sulk about it.”

“Wasn't she helping Hwang Ahyoung write her rap?”

“Sulking. She was sulking!” Taeha insisted because she was right.  

“You're sulking again, are you?” Hwang Sooyeon asked as she swept into the room like the girl crush of everybody’s dreams, followed by Jeon Soyeon and Pledis’s Kang Yebin who had their arms linked together as though they really were bosom buddies. That was annoying. It was harder to rant about somebody when one of their friends was in the vicinity.

“I am not sulking,” Taeha pronounced maturely. “I simply saw fit to air some of my grievances with my fellow Starship friend.”

“So you are complaining about Yeonjung’s screen time?” Sooyeon guessed as she reclined on the bed across from Chaeeun’s. She flipped her hair in slow-motion and it was very difficult to breathe in the rose-scented air seeing as it was filled with the sparkles of broken hearts being cradled by the shyly pink clouds of first love which seemed to always follow Hwang Sooyeon.

“Not her,” Taeha muttered, though that was another issue Taeha couldn't say she was pleased with. She cast a glance over to Yebin and Chaeeun sighed.

“You might as well say it seeing as you have the attention.”

“Pledis’ Park Siyeon,” Taeha said in the soft and innocent voice of this situation’s victim.

Kang Yebin continued to pet Soyeon’s hair as she said, “Oh, did she make you help her charge her batteries?”

“What are you talking about?” Taeha asked. Of course the other girl would be facetious if she was the kind of person who needed to keep pretending she was on good terms with her own nemesis.

Yebin leaned closer, all but shoving soyeon off her lap as she lowered her voice and said, “Our little Siyeon is a robot.”

 

It made so much sense! Park Siyeon had suspiciously good visuals and her aptitude for everything - especially for getting on Taeha’s nerves - was definitely inhuman. This was not right.

Clearly this was no secret to pledis, but was it possible that they had deceived Mnet? There could have been a loophole in the rules somewhere. The dorm rules - which Taeha had only glanced at the first time one hundred and one girls gathered - specified trainees rather than humans. The programme also had the tagline of “vote for your girl” not “vote for your human”!

Like a lot of people, Taeha liked eating various foods but she still had time for other hobbies like watching films alone. In the movies, even though there were rules for robots, there was always some sort of robot uprising to overthrow their human oppressors. Maybe that was why Siyeon was so mean to dear little Taeha! She must have wanted to kill her and replace her with a robot clone!

Taeha was nothing if not a team player. She had to warn the others.

Taeha abhorred running but this was a life or death situation. Yet when she returned to her team’s room Lee Haein started laughing. Supreme Leader Lee Haein didn't even care about Han Hyeri who was using her thighs as a pillow. Hyeri squeezed an eye open to look at Taeha before glaring up at Haein.

“I am trying to sleep.”

“But look at how dramatic she is, bursting into the room and breathing heavily in the doorway like some action hero,” Haein cackled. She really had a unique sense of humour to be laughing at a time like this.

Siyeon was apparently trying to sleep just like Hyeri. Unlike hyeri she wasn't curled up like a Disney princess and delicately resting her head on Haein's thighs - Oh no! - she was in the bunk right above them and answered the call of Haein's stupid laughing by sitting bolt upright in her bed and jerkily turning her head to look down into the room.

“Unnie, if walking up the stairs gets you that out of breath then no wonder you have no vocal range.”

Siyeon dropped back onto her pillows with a soft whump and aside from Haein clutching at her sides and bouncing Hyeri’s head off her lap with the force of her laughter, it was as though she had never woken up.

Taeha squealed when an arm circled her waist, but it was not a robot in cahoots with the robot rebellion. It was Jung Haerim, pretty and untalented and kind here to comfort Taeha as she started to cry.  

 

Han Hyeri was wide awake as she crouched outside the door to their room. Her eyes were big and round as she listened, even shushing Haein’s disbelieving snickering on her shoulder as Taeha spoke. Taeha loved Han Hyeri almost as much as she loved her cousin, ex-member of SM Entertainment’s legally troubled group TVXQ. She probably didn’t love Hyeri quite as much as Haein did though. Haein answered every shush with a peck on the cheek which had Hyeri glowing happily each time as she listened to the very important things that Taeha was saying.

Jung Haerim, one-time comforter of Junsu’s cousin Kim Taeha, had really become a disappointment. She was all but snoring against the wall and doing a terrible job at being covert.

Robo-Siyeon probably had way of sensing the rumbles of pretty girls snoring against the wall right next to her bed.

“You think Siyeon is a robot?” Hyeri asked.

“That is what I said,” Taeha replied very politely.

“Do you really think technology is that advanced?” Hyeri asked in a whisper.

“Of course it is!” Haein laughed. “How did Taeha fall down to Earth to tell us silly things like this if robots and Starships weren’t commonplace.”

“Oh, Starships. Unnie, you really are too funny,” Hyeri giggled.

“Kim Taeha, when are we going to investigate the claims that Star Empire’s Han Hyeri is an alien?” Chairman of the Trainees’ Party of 101, Haein cackled as she slapped at shamanistic heiress Hyeri’s arm. The pair of them were riling each other up enough that even Haerim giggled sleepily.

Haein was absolutely not funny at all. Taeha couldn’t believe they had time to make light of the situation. Taeha had assumed that ruthless dictator Haein was on her side, especially when Haein was denying Siyeon’s will to be main vocal so strongly. It seemed that maybe Haein was just indiscriminately mean to other people. The goodness she had shown earlier was shed from her personality and now she was the woman who had become the only survivor of Irony Team 2. Taeha narrowed her eyes.

“If you have quite finished,” Taeha hissed, “I have very trusted intel that it is the truth. Pledis’ Kang Yebin herself told me that Siyeon is a robot.”

Haerim snorted loudly and blinked herself awake. “You’re not serious, are you?”

“Of course I am serious.”

“Let me get this straight,” Haein said, barely biting back a grin. “We’re crouching outside our room because you think that one of our teammates is a robot?”

“I know that she is.”

“I wish that I had this much of an imagination when I was her age,” Hyeri said in a low voice.

It wasn’t nice to have even Han Hyeri, the cutie mascot of Produce 101 even with top visual Kim Taeha around, only humouring the truth for a few moments before speaking as though Taeha was not even around. Clearly there was not a single trustworthy person involved in the competition.

Taeha was considering trying a different concept. Something tough and sexy like Hwang Sooyeon. Nobody ever rolled their eyes at anything the queen of iconic shirt lifts Sooyeon said. Taeha might even pray to the Ssenunni Goddess Jessi and ask for her guidance. After all, they were not a team, it was a competition.

“Yah, Kim Taeha,” Haein said sharply, interrupting Taeha’s prayers that maybe Hwang Sooyeon would take notice of her - but knowing Taeha’s luck it would be Ki Heehyun who took notice and had Taeha wetting herself with fear and suffering from stress-induced stomach aches on a daily basis. “As cute as this sleepover activity was, it really isn’t that funny. We don’t have much time to prepare our performance. All of our lives are on the line. I know you aren’t getting on very well with Park Siyeon - even I have disagreed with her - but you need to put aside your differences so that we can all be saved. Do you understand?”

The only saving grace was that Siyeon wasn’t around to see Taeha get scolded. She could probably have recorded the moment and given it to Mnet to broadcast and have yet another of Taeha’s shameful moments immortalised.

 

After being scolded so embarrassingly and using her own tears as a sleeping pack to rejuvenate her skin overnight, Taeha kept her thoughts about Park Siyeon to herself. Well, whenever they were practicing that is.

When Taeha noticed wires sticking out of Siyeon’s clothes she said nothing. When Siyeon could replicate the same sounds precisely each time they sung, Taeha kept her mouth shut. When Siyeon’s eyes flashed dangerously when she had a disagreement with Haein, Taeha pursed her lips against the accusations that were threatening to burst forth. it was a tough thing to do but taeha was just about managing.

“Aren't those all easily explainable things?” Chaeeun said unhelpfully when Taeha began to stress-eat her way through Chaeeun’s lunch. Chaeeun pulled her sad box of broccoli and fruit closer to herself as though it would change anything before she said, “We are filming a television programme so of course you will see wires if she is wearing a microphone. I also think she is a better singer than you give her credit for.”

“What about the flashing eyes then?” Taeha asked sullenly as she swallowed more of the bland diet food that she had been made to eat because she needed to lose weight - according to Ray Yang who was much better qualified to distract Mnet from the issue of robotic contestants than she was to call any of the girls fat.

Taeha and Chaeeun both looked over at Siyeon. she can't have been entirely perfect because she was the only Pledis trainee who Ray Yang had pushed towards the diet table. Taeha couldn't see where Siyeon needed to lose weight - the same went for herself but she had seen how her company seniors Sistar had been both scolded and praised for the management of their bodies regardless of health - so it only made sense that Ray Yang was also a robot who had planted Siyeon as a spy for the fat kids.

but Taeha wasn't sure that spies were supposed to look so downtrodden as they nibbled slices of capsicum peppers.

“As for the flashing eyes thing, I think you are just seeing things,” Chaeeun shrugged.

taeha saw a lot of things but it didn't mean she was imagining them.  

 

Taeha could finally confirm that her imagination was not in overdrive that evening. Hyeri and Haerin were already in bed and Haein was staying back in the practice room to try to fix some of the arrangement of Me Gustas Tu. There was no point in Taeha staying up because she could hardly help because she knew her ideas didn’t stretch as far as the complexities of arranging music.

Siyeon seemed to have similar ideas and was washing up at the same time as Taeha. Very quietly. Almost as though Taeha wasn’t there. When washing her face at the same time as any of the other girls there was at least some small conversation. Though it was like this when they happened to be in the bathroom together back when they were preparing Apink’s I Don’t Know.

But she was never this quiet. She at least greeted Taeha in the past and warned her about the slippy floor.

On this particular evening Taeha nearly skidded right into the sink and after all of her squealing and flailing she noticed that Siyeon hadn’t even raised the corners of her mouth in a smile. She must really have been hurt by being lumped with the kids who were told to lose weight.

Taeha was nothing if not a kind and wonderful girl. They were both applying toner to their faces when Taeha said, “Your proportions aren’t bad, Siyeon.”

“Unnie,” Siyeon said to Taeha’s reflection in the mirror, “Do I need to hear something like that from you?”

Well. That was rude. “I was just trying to be nice. You seemed to be down because you need to lose weight.”

“I don’t need to lose weight,” Siyeon scoffed. “I’m only stuck eating the same food as you because I volunteered when trainer Ray Yang came. I knew it would get me more screen time, that’s all.”

“How sly.”

“Unnie, it’s a television programme. I want to get seen so I have a chance to debut,” Siyeon laughed. It wasn’t an unkind laugh, but it wasn’t the genuine sort of laughter that Taeha had heard when Siyeon was with people she liked more. “Ah, but Unnie, there is something I want to say to you.”

“What is it?” Taeha asked. Siyeon held out her hand. A truce? Taeha supposed they could put their differences aside so that they can ensure survival from a good performance. Taeha clasped Siyeon’s hand within her own. And then it fell off.

Siyeon’s eyes only widened slightly as Taeha was screaming at the disembodied hand that was now grasping hers. She flapped her hand around but Siyeon’s hand squeezed more tightly at hers! She was stuck with this hand wrapped around hers.

Taeha needed to get the hand away somehow but there was nothing she could do! She ended up skidding in the same patch of water that had got her before and she crashed to her knees painfully. And the hand was still holding onto hers.

Siyeon calmly crouched in front of Taeha. Where her right hand used to be there was some nightmarish flash of bladed and gears that moved with the precision of a spider’s steps.

“Unnie, you should stop spreading rumours about me being a robot,” Siyeon said steadily, unblinking. “My company wouldn’t like it if I had to be more extreme than this to make you keep your mouth closed.”

Siyeon smiled with the dazzling glimmer of straight, white teeth. Taeha gulped. Siyeon continued.

“I don’t think Unnie’s company would like it much either.”

Taeha doubted she would be able to open her mouth ever again.


End file.
